Idol Chatter :: Top 20 :: Elimination!

by Nick Dussault
Thursday Mar 3, 2005
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Boy when Miss-ter Seacrest said “time is tight tonight, no songs, just your results” at the beginning of Wednesday’s results show, s/he wasn’t kidding. That thing went off faster than Michael Jackson at a Little League game.

I hadn’t even settled into the sofa and, thud, to the mat went Celena Rae. Wearing a dreadful outfit that could have been lifted from the Paula Abdul collection, the deposed Idolette was sent off to ex-contestant neverland without a last chance to dazzle us with her mediocrity. Why did they do that to me? I love watching them trying to sing the number that America hated one last time.

Instead, they went quickly to the judges for one last piece of advice. Paula, wearing a periwinkle blue suit and looking like a flight attendant about to board a plane to Fantasy Island, encouraged her to “just keep going for it.” Nice advice, lithium breath. I say just keep going and Simon apparently agrees. “The odds are stacked against you. We’ve just put you in front of 30,000,000 people, not many singers get that chance.” And you screwed it up, so adios Celena.

We also got one last chance to say aloha, Aloha. I can’t believe with a name like that she comes from Missouri. Isn’t that the “Show-Me” state? As in, show me you can sing or we’ll vote your matronly ass off the air. The judges didn’t think she deserved to go home just yet, but they also thought Mikalah Gordon’s performance was impressive.

Who the hell is doing her hair, make-up and Botox? She went from looking like a bad drag act to an almost other-worldly embodiment of Cher’s ancient face in less than 24 hours. She’s 17-years old. Could somebody show her how to look, and act, like a teenager? America loves youth. How else could you explain why Janay Castine didn’t get the heave-ho? She sucked worse than anybody in Idol history and yet she’s so cute she keeps on ticking.

Speaking of ticking, Miss-ter Seacrest almost single-handedly made the hearts of mother Mario and I stop ticking when he put our future Idol in the bottom four. Of course, it was only a clever little ploy to add some drama to the dismally predictable show. Cut the crap you nellie little eunuch. You screw with Mario one more time and I’m telling Scott Savol you want him in that Peter Pan sort of way.

Luckily, the man whose favorite judge is Paula won’t be around to see what unfolds. Joe Murena was the boy with the lowest number of votes and he wasn’t happy about it. When asked what he might have done wrong, the man who thinks the world would be surprised that he owns an ABBA CD, (we’re not), defiantly stated “I don’t think I went wrong. I didn’t have a lot of air time.” Maybe if you were more interesting, or more talented, you would’ve gotten more airtime. Now go home and dance around your room to your official cast recording of “Mamma Mia” while we bid one more fond farewell.

It’s back to the Big Easy and singing in the church choir for David Brown. I want to vomit when I say this, but I agree with Paula. “We have not heard that magical sparkle (we) saw in Hollywood.” I thought David would go much further than this. Of course he wouldn’t win, that’s Mario’s destiny. But I think the bad Stevie Wonder number just did him in a little before his time. Keep the faith, David. You’ve got something there.

And speaking of getting something, who can possibly contain their enthusiasm as the new “American Idol” magazine hits the newsstands this week. Gracing the cover of the very first issue will be, drum roll please…Diana DeGarmo. I love that girl. I picked her to win the first time I saw her last season. I never dreamed America would choose the unwed mother instead. But hey, Diana’s about to hit Broadway and the queen of the “Bobo” is out schilling for the new American Idol Barbie.

Fantasia said it best. “Barbie is an American Idol. I’m an American Idol. I figured I’d give her some tips.” Keep talking to the plastic dolls, honey, at least you’re not handing out free advice to young girls who want to follow in your teenage mother footsteps.

I’d love to chat more, but I need to call University of North Carolina at Charlotte. Apparently they have a new course called Examining American Idol Through Music. I could get three credits in addition to a really big paycheck for doing this. God bless America!

Until next time, “Seacrest out,” please.

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