Soniyah Singh :: Matchmaker helps gay men find bliss (and each other)
In the annals of outré yentas, Soniyah Singh is probably just one red-feathered headdress short of Dolly Levi. But unlike playwright Thornton Wilder’s brassy, turn-of-the-century dowager who sets New York City on its ear in her quest to find love, for both herself and lovelorn client, Singh is as real as the fog off San Francisco Bay. Just don’t call her a matchmaker.
Wilder had Levi define what she did as "meddling." Out-lesbian Singh (in perhaps a sly reference to her South Asian ethnicity) refers to her mostly gay male clientele as "men who are ready to outsource their love life."
Both women also share a similar path towards their chosen profession: love.
Singh left her native New York to follow someone (now an ex-) to San Francisco. The relationship might not have worked out, but the transplant to the Left Coast was a more successful love affair. Singh signed up with local matchmaker Perfect Search as a client; soon enough, she found herself consulting for them. Eventually, she launched her own service, Finding Bliss.
"Finding Bliss is about finding love and a long-term connection," Singh explains. "It’s really not about finding a boy-toy or a one-night stand. Or even really dating, because if you’re are looking for all those things, there are cheaper routes."
One-on-one consultations
Like many whose lifework is hooking up kindred spirits, a lot of Singh’s practice involves psychology. Singh does intense one-on-one consultations with clients that have a lot in common with cognitive behavioral therapy and could mean months before gazing lovingly at a potential Significant Other. "You have to work on yourself before you branch out to find love," she says. "The most important relationship is the one with yourself and once you have that, you’ll be able to find a partner. It’s inevitable."
Singh makes two "coaching" sessions mandatory before even breaking out the "catches" (her word) in her "pool of men." Singh has interviewed, screened and met each of these "catches" in person on a home visit. The biggest gaffe on home visits are apartments littered with pictures of ex-lovers.
"It’s so not inviting," she says. "You have to do some clearing in your house. I call it detoxing. That energy just doesn’t need to be there anymore. That doesn’t mean that you forget about it, but how you let it affect you is the big picture."
Singh always hopes her measured approach will pan out on the first match, but after three unsuccessful dates with the men from her pool, it’s time for more coaching; "We have to re-evaluate what’s going on. I get feedback from the matches you went out with so I’ll be able to find out if there’s a pattern you’re falling into on dates."
"Finding the perfect guy" is the biggest archetypal pattern Singh encounters. "Pickiness to me is a good thing," she says. "The pickier you are, the more you respect yourself and the more you respect others. But men become really picky. And they’re not picky about the right things like values." She calls "looking for men between the ages of 31 and 33" and example of "extreme pickiness" and says that whenever a "have-to have" makes a client’s list, even if it’s something as basic as having all one’s hair, it raises a red flag.
Singh is as picky as many of her clients. She limits them at any time to ten. And the first match is always with her.
"If my clients aren’t flexible, it’s probably not going to be a good match. There are even some men that I let know they just need to go see a therapist. But if I’m out there looking for these men, I have to believe in what they’re looking for and vice versa. They have to feel good about me and see the value in what I do."
